Are you not having an orgasm every time you have sex? You're not alone.
Only 57% of women usually have orgasms when they have sex with a partner, according to new data from Cosmopolitan's
Female Orgasm Survey. Now compare that to their partners, who are
apparently orgasming 95% of the time, the women say. Notice how far
apart those are?
This recent study, which surveyed more than 2,300 women
ages 18 to 40, captures what a lot of women are realizing about their
orgasms: There are still clear obstacles standing between women and the
pleasure they deserve.
Mechanical issues: Simple as it may sound, many
women's orgasm problems can be chalked up to bad mechanics. Fifty
percent of women said their partners were almost there but just couldn't
quite bring them home. Thirty-eight percent of women claimed there
wasn't enough clitoral stimulation, and 35% of women said they weren't
getting the right kind of clitoral stimulation.
These stats are unsurprising when you realize how essential the clitoris is in helping a woman achieve orgasm. While percentages are hard to pin down, experts say most women need to have their clitoris stimulated in order to orgasm; and yet the clit remains a mysterious body part. In a 2005 study of 833 undergraduate students, women and men were just as likely to mislabel the clitoris on a diagram.
Having better knowledge of the parts can indeed help the mechanics. A 2014 study
from the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lesbian women orgasm
about 75% of the time during sex with a consistent partner. Notice how
high that is? The researchers concluded that homosexual women are more
comfortable with their bodies and their partners', and thus able to
achieve orgasm more easily, as reported by Mic's Erin Brodwin.
Physically, we can also help things along by relaxing: According to the Cosmo survey, 32% of women are getting caught up in their own head and getting focused on how they look in bed.
Getting the attention we deserve: While 78% of
women believed their partners cared about their orgasm, 72% of women
still experienced a time when their partner climaxed but made no attempt
to help them finish. Ouch.
Leaving a woman high and dry might come from a lack of
mechanical understanding, but the orgasm gap also reflects how our
cultural views of men's versus women's pleasure. After all, it takes
much longer on average for a woman to orgasm (up to 20 or even 40 minutes, some experts say), and yet the standard expectation is that sex ends when a man comes.
That's one reason why, according to Cosmo's survey,
up to 67% of women have ever faked an orgasm. "It's partly social; our
culture gives more value to behaviors that result in orgasm for men,"
Indiana University sex researcher Debby Herbenick told Slate.
It's important to remember the responsibility for —and
entitlement to — pleasure isn't on one partner, but rather on both.
"Chances are, people aren't communicating in bed about what works for
them," Michelle Ruiz, senior editor at Cosmopolitan, told Mic.
It's in our hands: So how are women actually
achieving orgasm, if they're not always coming from their partners?
Often, it's on their own. The survey found that 39% of women reach most
of their orgasms through use of a hand or sex toy.
"Don't just expect someone to magically know how to please
you," said Ruiz. "Champion your own orgasm as well! Masturbate and
experiment on your own and find out what turns you on, so you can let a
partner know. Then, let a partner know."
With more and more toys
and tools for women to achieve orgasm hitting the market, and more
conversations opening up about where female pleasure actually comes
from, there's never been a better time to work towards closing the
orgasm gap. After all, if the statistics are right, it's in men's and
women's hands.